Missionary Orthopod in the Making

Today marked the end of the hardest test week that I’ve had while I’ve been in medical school. I don’t know how the school did it (seeing as how this quarter was shorter due to the Thanksgiving break), but they managed to pack more information into this quarter than we’ve had before. When I say that I had a rough week, I really really really really really mean that I had a rough week. I was deliberating as to whether I should fully disclose what kind of week I had, because some of my classmates read my blog (hey Vicki 🙂 ), but I’d rather be honest than save face, plus I’ll probably look back on this years from now and laugh.

So yeah, last Friday, actually marked the beginning of our test week. On Friday, we had a cardiac auscultation exam where we donned computerized stethoscopes, and as the teacher played different combinations of heart murmurs and heart sounds, we had to diagram what we were hearing., and diagnose what condition the patient had. It sounds simple enough, but when you have a mid-systolic murmur mixed with an ejection sound, and a diastolic murmur with an S3 sound, things can get a little hairy. Anyway, the weeks leading up to the auscultation exam were rough because I had no idea how to study for it, while many of my classmates utilized a simulation lab on campus that I knew existed, but that I didn’t know was open for us to utilize. It really kind of hurt me that as much as I try to help my classmates out by e-mailing out my notes and helpful websites, that no one thought to tell me about this simulation lab. Anyway, I’m realizing that medical school is alot different from my college, and that I have to fend for myself. With that said, I left the auscultation test feeling like I had just been castrated while simultaneously getting pistol whipped. I KNEW that I had failed that test, and I started to get really down on myself. I felt that if I couldn’t hear the heart sounds correctly, what kind of doctor would I be.

So I started the weekend, already down from my failure of the auscultation exam. The first test of this week was Anatomy combined with Embryology. The amount of information we had to cover was simply monstrous, and I really studied my but off. I studied anatomy for like 6 hours on Sunday, and then I woke up around 3 a.m. Monday morning, and I continued to study for Anatomy. When I sat down to take the test, I just couldn’t believe what they had done. Basically the first 2 pages of the exam contained VERY SPECIFIC questions on the larynx (last term’s information), and I had basically studied my butt off for the abdomen, which was what they taught us this term. Anyway, I left the test not feeling too good about it, but I was pretty sure I at least passed. The next day’s test was Immunology, which had the potential to be more massive than the Anatomy test, so I started studying big time for the test after the Anatomy test was done. Around 9 p.m. that night, we were able to log on to our school account and view our grades for Anatomy. I was anxious to see how I did; I really wanted a B, but I would settle for a C. I logged on and I saw……62%-FAIL (the word “fail” was actually in red, while tests you pass are in green 🙂 ). I couldn’t believe it….when I took my Evidence Based Medicine test, I was sure that I had failed, but the Lord worked some kind of miracle, and allowed me to pass. I thought (from the EBM test experience) that the Lord was telling me to trust Him…to trust that He will take care of me, even when I feel like I’ve failed. So, with that in mind, I just couldn’t understand why God would let me fail this test. Especially anatomy, which I tend to do VERY WELL in normally. It bothered me all night while I was studying for the Immunology test, but I tried my best to shake it off. I woke up the next morning (the morning of the test) still thinking about the Anatomy test; this was my first failure of anything since I started medical school. I tried to forget about it, but the combination of the failed auscultation exam, the stress from the anatomy failure and the stress of studying for the immunology test took its toll, and I honestly couldn’t control the tears. I felt like a failure, I felt like God had left me, and I just couldn’t understand what I had done to deserve these sequences of bad events. After much consolation from my wife and my mom, I sobered up and continued to study for my Immunology test. I learned alot from their advice and from the book of Job, all of which can be described in this song:

My life has been filled with many blessings, with few to almost no disappointments, which is why it was so hard for me to accept this one. But I had to learn, and I think everyone should learn, that Jesus does not shield you from trials; in fact, sometimes He puts you in the trial himself. Anyone can love and praise a God in good times, but the true test of the relationship is what you do when things aren’t going so good. As the song said, I’ve learned that whatever happens, it is “right and good”.

So I took the Immunology test, and I felt really good abouy it. Then I took my Anatomy practical on Wednesday, and I knew I didn’t get a 100%, but I was pretty sure I did very well. Then I studied amazingly long and hard for yesterday’s exams (Biochem & Physiology), which I believe turned out pretty well. Yesterday also I was pleasantly surprised. The cardiac auscultation exam that I took last Friday that I was sure I had failed, actually turned out to be a PASS when I checked my grades yesterday. I honestly couldn’t believe it; I rechecked and refreshed my screen multiple times, but the grade didn’t change. By the time I took my last test (Physical Diagnosis) today, I was tired, but my spirits were not down at all. And I am actually happy that I failed a test in medical school. I realized the reason why I failed the test (I studied the lecture notes but not the powerpoints), and now that I’ve had a failure, I’m not as scared of it anymore, and I’m confident that it won’t happen again.

—————————–

Our school recently set it up so that we could see our grades and the complete stats for each test for the class. After they allowed this, I realized that on every test we have taken, someone has scored a 100% or a 95%. I got discouraged at first, but then I was told by my 2nd year mentor that 20 people are repeating their first year from the 2nd year class, so we have 20+ people in our class that have seen all this information before. I can’t really compete with them and stay sane, so I’ll just try my best.

Tomorrow morning I fly home to Maryland to enjoy my 2 1/2 weeks of freedom. I honestly and sincerely plan to do nothing. I know folks may look at me doing nothing, and want to give me something to do or invite me to do something, but if I say yes, then I would be going against my plan to do nothing. So I’ll just try my best to veer towards complete nothingness for this Christmas break.

P.S.- The Lord really works in funny ways. Even though I had my first failure of medical school, I think I did better on the remaining tests of the week than I’ve ever done. We’ll see how it goes when we get all of our grades next week.